"What's the main cause of stress?"

CONTROL

Earlier this evening, I was a speaking to a dear friend who I was unloading all of my baggage to. In her effort to try to make me feel better, she too went on to talk to me about her grievances and in turn dropped some insight into what really causes stress.

One that caught me unexpectedly was when she mentioned that the main cause for her stress was control. Confusing, right? Or at least, I had to deliberate it for a minute as I had never associated both to coexist. How on earth is stress induced by control? To me, I always saw control as a way to diffuse stress because, how could I possibly be stressed if everything was under control?

It forced me to reflect as circumstances in both my personal and professional life had gone through severe peaks and troths over the past year and like I'm sure a lot of us do, we passively describe our troths as "stressful times." This phrase is a passing comment for most, but if you are anything like me, this is unfortunately reality.

For so long I refused to admit that I was a control freak. I wanted so badly to be that "calm and collected" type of gal' that if ever anyone alluded to me being otherwise, I would instantly go on the defence- safe to say- I was in denial. It wasn't until my relationship and work life hit rock bottom that I began to accept this was a deep-rooted issue- a demon that I had to face head on.

To put it into context, imagine being a fly on the wall in the a room full of people that spoke openly about you- the good, the bad, the ugly- and not having the power to speak up in your defence- "No, Laura! I do not have an attitude problem and no Joe, my left eye is only droopy in pictures, not in person." Screams radiating from the fly on the wall and the next day coming into the same room manifested as my human self not being able to warrant confronting these people as I wasn't supposed to be there in the first place! This is the struggle I've always had- having the burning desire for optimum control and lack thereof.

It's an absolute nightmare if you ask me, because you sit there and think about all of the things you could be doing to manipulate situations- and what's more- people, to be on your side. You see, when you are able to manipulate a situation/person to your favour (whether it be through stroking their ego with a white lie to get them to warm to you, or in my case-emotional blackmail), you get a sudden rush of adrenaline, a sense of power that becomes addictive and without even realising, you become a puppet master and before you know it, your the same way in every given context.

"You were the one who caused me to be this way, so in turn, you need to do x, y and z to make amends."

If you want to kill any relationship slowly but surely- professional, personal- you name it, all you need to do is say something along these lines enough times and trust me, you will reach the inevitable end. I have learned that whilst seeking control over people may give you a sense of satisfaction, it is only a matter of time until you have to repeat yourself with the same tired line. It is all temporary.

People may comply but they are always going to go against your will, if they can do it with God, they can most certainly do it with you. What's more, by repeating the same tired line, you are causing yourself to be frustrated by becoming so fixated on a result that you can't sustainably produce- so friends, at this point, I really had to have a conversation with myself- where is the benefit of this for me? What's more, what about for these people and these situations?

Sure enough, I reached the conclusion that what I was really stressed about was hearing the sound of my own voice, going on and on, nothing but complaints flying out of my mouth. The false pretence of instant, but, temporary gratification from manipulating a situation was what was stressing me out as I wanted for nothing more than for that gratification to be permanent-but it was never going to be. This is when I began thinking about the ways in which I had been manipulated in the past and I was forced to reclaim the resentment I once felt towards those who had exercised that control over me, which got me to the root of my problem.

The reason why I was so stressed was due to the fact that none of my methods- not one- seemed to have lasting power, and why would they? If I felt that much resentment from being manipulated- what makes me think others are going to want to remain compliant over my control?

This is when I started experimenting with 'letting go,' which is a notion I really struggle with because I am not the kind of person that easily forgets. Sounds silly, but it's something that I am still discovering now through daily practice and strong self-discipline. I know now that to relieve myself of stress, I need to start listening to myself rather than skip to my default method of control. You see, the biggest misconception is, is that, the more control you have over people and situations the more power you can exert, but those who are in real places of power are those who do not spare their insecurities at the expense of manipulating others.

So really, the first step is to listen to yourself and before you impose yourself on others, question- is this about you, or is it about me?

If you give yourself enough time to think about it, everything else will follow suit.