Step One: Understanding

Looking deep within; welcoming of a New Year and turning 23...

"My reaction to turning 23. Thank you for all your birthday wishes x"

-instagram.com/demetrizia

Ringing in the New Year

I think my life came into retrospect come the end of November (2017). It was when my colleague told me that I needed to use the rest of my annual leave as I would only be able to carry a certain amount of days in to 2018. There I was, loving life, thinking, 'YES!' I get to have most of December off, I get to have a well deserved break albeit a challenging year and it will do me a world of good. Let's stop it right there. This was the worst thing to happen to me probably all year. Now, I'm sure I'm not the only one who in their own company builds up a conundrum of thoughts, ruminates over them, and allow it to drive you insane.

YES PEOPLE! The word ruminate. That is to think deeply about something.

I started thinking about what I had done that year. You know the drill: "I'm so happy I got to visit this place, and see these people! And oh what about that amazing opportunity that we sought? Gosh do you remember how funny it was when..." Right, if you had as much time off as I did, you will know that there is only so much that can happen until you reach a point where you think about the times that weren't so great. But let's start off with:

1.) My Year's Highlight- Yes, I was lucky enough to see my best friend get married this year to the man of her dreams. Our back drop to these beautiful 2 weeks was the heart of Downtown LA, Venice Beach and a view of the Pacific from the beautiful Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. But enough of the picture, understand please, that in order to get there in the first place, I got fired from my first graduate job, was in a whirlwind of financial uncertainty, not knowing whether the trip could even follow through and well, the demise that followed from the trip is another story in itself.

2.) GETTING FIRED- Jesus Christ. Anything I am set on I will always try and do perfectly otherwise- what's the point? Though I wasn't set for life on the job I had stepped into post-university I certainly gave it my best shot. I was not in any position to deny seizing an opportunity. With all of this in mind, I'm sure that you can appreciate much to my dismay, the shock I severed when the company's CEO called me into a conference room to personally deliver my dismissal. I was taken so aback. It took me a while to understand why what happened did. Upon reflection it was for the best and he had to do what he needed to do for his company. I bounce back pretty quickly, as you can see to your right, I was in Digbeth, Birmingham loving being funemployed the day after I got sacked. Shout out to Hans and Shaira for always being the realist in these situations.

3.) Numero tres! Fast forward a couple weeks and I've found myself the dreamiest job! Absolutely love it! All but one thing, it felt lonely to start. Don't get me wrong, I'm not scared of the act of being alone. It was just a tough start, there was a lot of team shift and that left me feeling unsupported, especially because I had stepped into an industry I had never been in before. Alongside going through all of this change, my wellbeing took a deeper hit when I started to film for E4's Vlogglebox with Jordan. That guy to the left of you, that's Jordan. He's provided way too many headaches than what he's worth, but hey ho, you still love 'em. Anyways, I cannot boast enough how proud I was to be part of that team and to have been given the opportunity to gain some exposure with how life works on the other side of the tele! But boy, let me tell you- it is not easy. When you are working full time, 5/6 days a week dependent on the week and your doing a 10 hour filming day on top- someone pass me my Divaship- that shit can take it out of you. It helped so much that we always had such a fantastic crew come week in week out who did their best, not only to produce the best content for the show, but to make sure we were well looked after- so thank you to the team over at Studio Lambert! I think I speak for Jordan and I when I say that we were truly humbled by the experience!

4.) AUGUST- a month of bliss, or so it seemed. Little did I know I had MUG written all over my forehead. We won't get into that because you know, it's one of them ones. But it was all in god's will. Let's enjoy this picture from Hans' 25th birthday of myself and #Babygwin360 looking like tanned gods!

5.) SEPTEMBER- was no better. LOL! It rhymed. I had been to Amsterdam in January earlier that year for my birthday and I had the best time! So sure enough as my second trip was looming I was looking forward to a nice little getaway! A few trip highlights: seeing the windmill farm, the good good (of course), sunsets and scenes like this, and seeing Patrick Ta at Rembrandt Square when I had no sense of self whatsoever. Shit went down the pan the night before I flew to Amsterdam. Everything that I thought was, was not. You know when the world just has a way of reminding you that you too, are not invincible?

Turning 23...

I hope that kind of paints a picture for you of how the year went about itself. In hindsight I really should have thought about writing it in chronological order but I just let my thoughts run.

So I have come to this point where so much has happened and in times of stress, I'm the kind of person that dives into work. My best performing months at work thus far fell in the final quarter in the year and since the New Year has graced us, I have been full throttle.

I mentioned earlier that I was catapulted into my quarter life crisis around December time when I was forced to take time off. I tried my absolute best to keep myself busy on my days off. There was the mission of getting Christmas shopping done, wrapping up all the presents and making sure everyone had something nice to open for Christmas Day. It got to around the 12th December and I swear to you, I was done. I had never been so organised in my entire life, I always tend to wait until at least the final week of Christmas. This left me with nothing to do until the New Year.

Apart from being surrounded by loved ones over the holidays, I found myself spiralling into a pit of commiseration. In my job and in my nature, I do what us millennials would call "the most". The problem with doing the most and being in a position where you become inherent to serving others is there comes a point where you burn out. I found myself focusing so much on what others around me were doing and questioning, where do I fit into their picture? Not realising I hadn't even painted one for myself.

You see, this is why they say it is both a blessing and a curse to feel so strongly and passionately. You take the burden of other people's pain, you take the load off of their mistakes and their short comings and you allow that to fester within you. You try to ignore it by keeping yourself distracted, but it's only a matter of time until you get to a point where you are prompted of everything that you have taken on and you are forced to face that very same thing that reminded you that you are not immortal, you are not invincible and you are by no means exempt from perish.

The word perish my friends; die, decline, decay.

Funnily enough, there is solace in this insolence. I don't think any of us are ever exempt from being reminded that we are only human. I've never been a theorist but I do believe there is truth in Survival of the Fittest. When the going gets tough, it is to each his own- really and truly. So when I found myself focusing so much on what others were doing, so much so that I made myself believe that the value of my own investment into them was being neglected, I crashed and burned.

I don't know, maybe I just really didn't want to face the reality of being 23. I'm still trying to figure it out. Back to the point of to each his own- there is a reason why this saying exists. It wasn't created to serve figure of speech, it exists to act as a self-memo to reinforce the importance of having your own back and ensuring that -if you are the kind of person who has been gifted with what I call, the curse- you must make sure you invest into yourself just as much if not- a little bit more than what you do others.

Understanding...

I get it now. Well, at least I think. There's never truly such a thing as a finished product.

We (especially women) are forced so much to uphold a strong facade- this 'me, myself and I' attitude persists to avoid the risks of being called weak. I need to continue to embrace the things that make me quote on quote "weak". It gives me a heightened sense of self-awareness and understanding of what I need to do in order to serve myself.

I am extremely excited to latch on to any opportunity that comes my way this New Year. I have been telling colleagues, friends and family that my 23rd year is going to be about finding that thing that feeds the soul. It's great having a 9-5, it's great having a partner you love, it's great that you're surrounded by creatives, it's great that you have friends growing and moving in the right direction- but, what is great about you?